you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
