Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
