Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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