Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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