What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
