yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
