filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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