I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
