I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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