they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
