My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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