she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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