If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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