Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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