Only a mothe r could love this liver
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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