My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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