when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
