What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
