i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
false alarm, still single
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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