I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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