Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
