just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
