Princesses don't give blow jobs
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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