i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
