in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
