if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
