I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
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