I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
