Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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