I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
