God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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