dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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I wish they made helmets for livers.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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