I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
