Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
