someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
