he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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