So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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