I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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