Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
