remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
