New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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