i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
