I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
