I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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