he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the liver wants what the liver wants
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
where are my eyebrows?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
