Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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