I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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