Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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