how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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