Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
