Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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