oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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