So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
